6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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