Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
