Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
