How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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