It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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