my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
