You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
