I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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