I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
