Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I think my moral compass just broke
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