My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
