God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
