Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
