Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
