I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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