2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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