Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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