he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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