the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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