I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
