Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
