My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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