You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
