those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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