Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
