just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Rumble strips road head = magical
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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