what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
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