You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
