Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
