M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
