TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
