and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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