I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
