i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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