Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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