I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
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We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
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Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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