i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
