I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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