I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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