Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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