I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
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