Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
