Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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