just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
