I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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