dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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