My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
