That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
