I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
