Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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