After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
