Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
