No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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