Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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