im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
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he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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