My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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